My Black Brick

“Some Rides” just defy common sense. Although I’d wager this stretched Outback (AWD?) would be doing pretty well this winter.

On second thought, are those white walls?

Via You Drive What?

My hatred for the latest Toyota Highlander commercials knows no bounds. Yes, children, you should feel humiliated if your parents can’t afford to buy the latest, super-ginormous monster truck laden with electronic garbage to tote your entitled asses to and from your rich suburban school.

While Jalopnik protests the disparaging remarks made against the Corvette-engined Buick Roadmaster, Sociological Images nails the underlying shame the ad is intended to invoke: “If you’re too poor to buy a brand new mid-range SUV, you suck.”

Another ad in the series, entitled “Kid Cave“, is particularly disgusting because it tells kids they should just plug in their headphones and cut off all communication with their parents, as if it’s a good thing. The scene of the wedding-singer parents is funny, but in my car it’s rare that I get to listen to my own music with the kids.

Rather than enjoying listening to music TOGETHER, I guess I should be isolating my kids by covering their ears with headphones and listening to whatever I want. Seems the Toyota ideal is to have all the members of the family walk around plugged into their own electronic devices, silent on the outside and ignoring each other.

BONUS: More analysis on Hipster Runoff

via NJ.com

Technically this wagon was found in Alabama, but it sure looks fried extra crispy.

Via Seen on the Street

My parents had a 1969 Pontiac LeMans that slowly vanished from cancerous rust after only 15 years. I remember arguing with my parents that I could have fixed its 326 V8 before they had it towed to the junkyard, but seeing as you could watch the road speed by through the rusted floor boards, it probably wouldn’t have been worth it. So while my buddies in high school tore up the streets in their Mercury Cougars and Dodge Chargers, I puttered along in an ’81 Corolla.

Somehow this enterprising Ebayer has turned a ’68 Tempest wagon into a GTO clone without it falling apart in a pile of dust. From end looks soooo much better with those rotating headlight covers. Bidding ended at over $11k without reaching reserve. Buy it now at $14k!

I saw a Subaru Baja with a cap on the back yesterday and thought THAT was crazy. But this thing is sheer genius.

Via: There, I Fixed It

Wired magazine’s Autotopia blog claims there’s a “wagon renaissance” and lists the 12 wagons they love. The Volvo 240 Turbo makes the cut, along with a slew of other European hatches.

There’s a used bookstore in Maryland I’ve been frequenting on trips down 95 and last week I scored Brock Yate’s “The Decline and Fall of the American Automobile Industry“. Having read some of Yates crotchety screens in the Wall Street Journal I figured I’d at least get something entertaining and I haven’t been disappointed. The book documents the trumpeted launch and immediate failure of General Motors J-car line from 1981. He talks of the insular “Detroit Mind” which produced a car that was supposed to compete with the European and Japanese imports but wound up being just another anemic, ill-fitting American rustbucket, albeit with a smaller wheelbase than usual. Yates was at least 20 years ahead in outlining the reasons for the eventual bankruptcy of GM. His book is an indictment of the 50′s and 60′s organization men who rose to the lofty heights of American hubris but didn’t have the creativity or foresight to redirect their giant multinational corporations to produce high-performance, reliable cars at the end of the 20th century.

The ad above is for the Chevrolet Celebrity Eurosport, built on the J-car base in the mid 80′s. The transparent grandiosity of the name of the car is comical. “Celebrity”? I suppose I could be famous if I drove one around, but not for the reasons GM is touting. “Eurosport”? Let me guess: it’s designed to compete with Mercedes/BMW/Volvo? Their ad company should have been fired for cramming 6’6″ Ken Howard, who played a basketball coach on TV’s “White Shadow”, into the drivers seat and having his head continually rub against the roof liner. When I’m looking to not-fit into a car to drive slowly across vast expanses of highly polished studio floors I’ll head straight for the Chevy dealer.

The Euro package came with mammoth 14″ alloy rims, V6 power, sport handling and black and red-lined trim and badges that look more appropriate as a logo for the latest Nightmare on Elm Street than on a domestic car. I love it.

Bonus: This article in Popular Science takes the odd position of testing America’s “Eurosedans” against themselves, instead of the European high-performance cars they obviously strive to be.

While contemplating tinting the back windows of my brick a friend told me that if I only did the back windows, without also doing the rear passenger windows, the car would look like a panel truck. It reminded me of the sweet family wagon Mel Gibson drove in the first Mad Max movie. My memory must have failed me because it wasn’t a wagon at all. In Australia in the early 70′s manufacturers like Holden made panel vans. They were 2 door El Camino-esque trucks with a cap on the back. Unlike 3rd party caps these were well integrated into the body and formed a big, covered, often windowless rear end.

Check out the full evolution here.